Is it the rain? Hmm, maybe it's the rain... and the cold weather.
She watches as the wipers clear the windshield, pause, then wipe the newly spotted glass again. With a small sigh she unwraps the argyle scarf from around her neck and buckles up. Turning to look through the back window, and taking her time to make sure there is no other car or walking body behind her vehicle, she slowly backs out of the stall. It has been a long night at work and she wonders if she is even thinking clearly.
Juliette has taught herself self confidence and body love. It took the last six years of conscious effort to delete the negative thoughts about herself she had learned the previous 40 years from men, society, and judgy women to finally be at peace with who she is. And here it is again, she thinks, as she clicks the handle down and hears the tick ticking of the blinker. Here she is feeling that uncomfortable self doubt. Such a shitty feeling. It creeps up your spine, crawls the nape of your neck, and absorbs into the back of your mind; interjecting that self doubt and the nasty little thing called comparison.
Juliette turns the vehicle onto the main road towards home. Am I being overly sensitive, or even, do I have a right to feel upset by this? Her eyes narrow and brow furrows as she wonders; do men usually tell their current girlfriends about other women's breast size when describing them? Old girlfriends, past wives, women that appreciate he's looking at their eyes instead of their generous bosoms. She feels the heat of irritation again just from the flashbacks of these conversations.
The creep of the 'not good enough' feeling is beginning to claw it's way through her mind and body again.
"No," she says.
Juliette makes the last turn into her neighborhood, and being only a few minutes from her driveway, realizes she has zero recollection of the road she drove to get here from when she turned her blinker on to leave the parking lot. That's not good.
The vehicle slows as she guides it into the driveway. She gently slides the gear into park, pushes the button to turn off the engine, and sits for a short minute. One more try, she thinks. She has mentioned a few things here and there, to either understand the reasoning for such conversations or to have them cease all together, but to no avail. Well, at least the rain has stopped.
Juliette slips out, adjusts the straps on her purse to better fit her rounded shoulders and closes the door. The honeymoon phase may be over... but she will try one more time. Because, Juliette smiles, because she learned there is no reason in the world to feel less than for anyone.