What do I have to do? - 01.08.2021

Well, becoming a nun is out of the question.

That ship has most definitely sailed, and to be quite honest, I don't think that was ever an option that would have worked for me. But the question remains... "what do I have to do?"

People say, "Just meet someone when you're out."

Even before we were all stuck in our respective houses - that also never worked for me. I have yet to have a man see me in a restaurant or grocery store, cross the great divide, and actually ask me out. That, my dear friends, would be a red letter day. So, then my only option is the internet or a friend of an ex. I can be the very picky woman I am or say "fuck it" and go for a sexy photo. Someone who lives in the same area or a traveler. A man across the vast and wide ocean or a man just down the road. Either, I have some sort of crazy pheromones that only attract or are attracted to a certain type of man, or there are more men out there than I thought... that just don't give a shit.

I am made of hope. This hope, sometimes gets so tested, it almost retreats; never to be seen from again. I wonder every now and again if that would be better. I have some girlfriends who have broken... or hardened... or both. They play this game better or just as much as the men I'm discussing.

The problem: no matter how much I am honest, straight forward, fun, open minded... but mostly an open book, it always ends up the same. No appreciation or understanding of everything i have just shared with that person.

I suppose my question should be: "is everyone just bullshitting?"

Did I miss the memo on everyone making pretend? Seeing how many people they can get in bed - just for the sake of? No real connections any longer? I personally feel connected, but at the end of the day(s)... I seem to be the only one who does.

I would love for someone to teach me how to turn it off. To lay next to someone, share life stories, goals, dreams... hold hands, kiss like you're in a romance novel, snuggle and sleep in each others arms after sharing the most intimate of your bodies. Touch constantly and laugh together. Then, one day, nothing... still friends and lovers, but nothing else. Affection, shut off. The other, is to just leave and instantly move on to the next; expecting that you are doing the same. I can't do that. I truely mean everything I do.

I have experienced quite a lot so far. I'm sure at this point, you have put together that I am older than 30. I also have had two children; one being special needs, I have been married and divorced, I have traveled to a few other countries, worked in various capacities, have loved ones that don't fit easily into society's views, and I am constantly trying to learn everything I can.

I would like to learn this too. But to what end?

As much as turning off my feelings at a drop of a hat, or just being able to bullshit through amazing experiences would be a terrific skill in this cluster of a throw away society... I think I will just keep trudging on. That sounds terrible - let's just say I'll go ahead and keep my hope... and I will let you know how it turns out. :)


Much love to the ones who have found just that, and love to those who know exactly what I'm saying.

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